Writing Specimen

It was a brightly-lit day and the sun was shining. John was happy about the news his grandmother gave him. The weather report said that it might rain, but there wasn't a cloud in the sky. He thought about the news and then went out to shoot the proverbial basketball.

Mark was at the court when John arrived. On getting to the court, Mark didn't take note of John's arrival. When he wasn't playing, he watched it on TV. And Mark was a good player. When Mark played with John and his friends the last time, Steve volunteered to guard Mark. A zone defense hadn't been played by Steve's team, each man had his own man to guard. The one man job of guarding Mark in the tense game of basketball on that Tuesday in the gym turned out to be more than one man, at least any one man on Steve's team, could effectively do and still have a chance to play defense effectively enough to have a chance to keep Mark's offensive output low enough that the opposition would still have at least some chance to stay in the game long enough to possibly win.

John's eyes grew wide as he watched Mark sink ten shots, in a row all around the court. John shook his head in awe at how Mark just launched shot after shot, all hitting the mark. John was impressed by Mark's skill. Of all of the players in that section of the town he had played with, Mark was the best. "Your really shooting great today, Mark," John said.

Mark nodded his head and kept shooting and said to John, "Thanks." He added, "Practice makes perfect."

Mark continued. "Not to state the obvious but I try to shoot every day," he said not without a hint of pride in his voice.

John started to shoot his very own basketball. Then, Steve arrived after John had begun shooting. John took a lot of shots near Steve, not bothering to worry about accuracy. Then, his only brother Jack arrived. The Mitchell's really loved to play basketball, although they weren't nearly as good as Mark. He also had his own ball with him, too. All three of them were shooting their basketball. When someone shot a basketball very often the shots would go through the net without even touching the rim before falling to the floor.

Everyone seemed to begin to watch what Mark was doing. The players on the court, the players standing on the sidelines and girls who were just there to see. It really was something to watch, even for people who watched a lot of basketball when they were watching TV. And with the love of basketball as strong as Mark, he watched a lot of basketball on TV.

The ball was passed by John to Mark, Mark spun around, then Steve unexpectedly knocked the ball away, and he grabbed it just in time to pass it to him. The ball moving around the court quickly, a lot of confusion.

In the next few minutes, they spent a lot of time practicing, shooting, how to pass well and catch passes well, playing both a lot defense and offense alternatively and anything else they could think of. It was both a good practice and exhilarating.


Comments on the Writing Specimen

(An asterisk means that a more detailed discussion of the subject is in Writing Topics ).

General comments

Even though the specimen could be part of an interesting story, Books Unbound would not request a manuscript based on it. We will show why by discussing below some of the problems with this specimen. (Note: samples that accompany submissions are much longer. In a specimen this short, it's difficult to develop characters and have the story make some point, but we want to make clear the importance of those things.)

The specimen is incoherent. It lacks focus and by itself has no conclusion. It lacks a point of view. It begins with a statement about the weather and then makes one about how John feels. The next paragraph initially changes to Mark's viewpoint and the following back to John's.

There is no clear protagonist and the characters are not developed. The reader learns that John has a grandmother and plays basketball, but little else. There is little information about the other characters, and the reader doesn't know who they are.

The paragraphs and sentences aren't coherent, nor do the paragraphs lead naturally from one to the next.

The first paragraph has two sentences about the weather and two about John, and there is no connection between these. The sentences about the weather should be in a separate paragraph from the other two sentences.

Specific comments, first paragraph

It was a brightly-lit day and the sun was shining. John was happy about the news his grandmother gave him. The weather report said that it might rain, but there wasn't a cloud in the sky. He thought about the news and then went out to shoot the proverbial basketball.

We will review this sentence by sentence. The biggest problem with the first sentence is that it says the same thing twice. Once the reader knows that it's a brightly lit day, it's obvious that the sun is shining. There is a smaller error: the hyphenation of brightly-lit . It is usually incorrect to hyphenate* an adverb ending in -ly and an adjective.

The second sentence has a tense error. This story, like most, is told in the past. Anything that takes place before the time of the story has to be written to make that clear. Here, it's obvious that John's grandmother must have given him the news before the time of the story, and it should be written to show that:

        John was happy about the news his grandmother had given him.

The third sentence has the same problem. John must have heard the weather report before the time of the story. That sentence could be:

        The weather report had said that it might rain, but there wasn't a cloud in the sky.

The fourth sentence contains the needless word proverbial . There is also no clear connection between the two parts separated by and .

Specific comments, second paragraph

Mark was at the court when John arrived. On getting to the court, Mark didn't take note of John's arrival. When he wasn't playing, he watched it on TV. And Mark was a good player. He could play either point or shooting guard. When Mark played with John and his friends the last time, Steve volunteered to guard Mark. A zone defense hadn't been played by Steve's team, each man had his own man to guard. The one man job of guarding Mark in the tense game of basketball on that Tuesday in the gym turned out to be more than one man, at least any one man on Steve's team, could effectively do, they needed to do that to have a chance to play defense effectively enough to have a chance to keep Mark's offensive output low enough that the opposition would still have at least some chance to stay in the game long enough to possibly win.

In the second sentence, the phrase On getting to the court should describe the subject of what comes next, but Mark is not the one getting to the court. Because the first sentence already tells of John's arrival, the introductory clause to the second could be omitted:

        Mark didn't take note of John's arrival at the court.

Because the previous sentence tells us that the court is where the action is, even better is:

        Mark didn't take note of John's arrival.

The subject of the third sentence is he , but which he? Also, this sentence doesn't follow smoothly from the previous sentences.

The fourth sentence (And Mark was a good player.) also doesn't fit with the preceding sentence. That sentence begins with a conjunction. Sometimes a conjunction can be an effective first word, but here it doesn't make any sense.

The fifth sentence (He could play either point or shooting guard.) does follow smoothly from the previous one, but the reader is not told what a point or shooting guard is and may not know the difference between those positions. This is acceptable if the typical reader would know what a point or shooting guard is.

The next sentence (When Mark played with John and his friends the last time, Steve volunteered to guard Mark.) has two problems. It does not follow smoothly from the previous one and both Mark and Steve should be followed by had .

The next sentence (A zone defense hadn't been played by Steve's team, each man had his own man to guard.) uses passive voice* (had been played) in the first part for no clear reason. The sentence is also a run-on* sentence.

The last sentence of the paragraph rambles pointlessly. It uses several words repetitiously. It begins with a compound adjective (one man) that needs hyphenation*. Because of the missing hyphen, the reader could mistakenly think that the first three words (The one man) are the subject of the sentence and might have to reread the sentence to understand it.

Specific comments, third paragraph

John's eyes grew wide as he watched Mark sink ten shots, in a row all around the court. John shook his head in awe at how Mark just launched shot after shot, all hitting the mark. John was impressed by Mark's skill. Of all of the players in that section of the town he had played with, Mark was the best. "Your really shooting great today, Mark," John said.

There is an extraneous comma* in the first sentence after shots . It would be placed better after row , but is not necessary there.

The first two sentences are repetitious in saying that Mark is sinking all of his shots. In the first two sentences, John's reactions (his eyes growing wide and his shaking his head in awe) show that he is impressed. The third sentence (John was impressed by Mark's skill.) is unnecessary and lessens the impact of the descriptions in the first two.

In the fourth sentence (Of all of the players in that section of the town he had played with, Mark was the best.) the long string of prepositional phrases beginning with of and in are deadening to the reader.

The last sentence should begin with a contraction: You're .

Specific comments, fourth paragraph

Mark nodded his head and kept shooting and said to John, "Thanks." He added, "Practice makes perfect."

There are extra words that add no meaning. This could be shortened:

        Mark nodded his head and kept shooting. "Thanks. Practice makes perfect."

Specific comments, fifth paragraph

Mark continued. "Not to state the obvious but I try to shoot every day," he said not without a hint of pride in his voice.

There is no need for this to be in a separate paragraph. In US English, it's customary to start a new paragraph when a different character speaks, but here Mark is still talking and hasn't changed his subject (practicing shooting regularly).

In the long dialogue tag (he said not without a hint of pride in his voice), it's obvious and therefore unnecessary to write that he is the speaker. The description is also indirect (not without a hint) for no apparent reason. The paragraph could be recast, putting a comma* before but :

        "Not to state the obvious, but I try to shoot every day." His voice resonated with pride.

Notice that when this is recast into a more direct sentence, it's easier to see that Mark is proud of shooting every day. It's unusual that his practicing is what he's proud of (rather than his success). The author should only write that about Mark intentionally, not as an accident resulting from indirect writing.

Specific comments, sixth paragraph

John started to shoot his very own basketball. Then, Steve arrived after John had begun shooting. John took a lot of shots near Steve, not bothering to worry about accuracy. Then, his only brother Jack arrived. The Mitchell's really loved to play basketball, although they weren't nearly as good as Mark. He also had his own ball with him, too. All three of them were shooting their basketball. When someone shot a basketball very often the shots would go through the net without even touching the rim before falling to the floor.

In the first sentence, the words very own are extraneous. The sentence could be shortened to John started to shoot without losing any meaning.

The third sentence doesn't follow from the first two. It's unclear what point the paragraph is making.

The fourth sentence (Then, his only brother Jack arrived.) doesn't identify whose brother Jack is. The word Jack should be separated from the rest of the sentence by commas* because it doesn't restrict the meaning.

The next sentence uses Mitchell's as plural. The correct plural has no apostrophe. Apostrophes are never used to denote plurals except for symbols (e.g., there are many e's in this article).

The next sentence (He also had his own ball with him, too.) doesn't follow from or lead to the other sentences in the paragraph. It uses both also and too , it uses own without adding meaning to the sentence and it uses other extraneous words (with him).

The last two sentences both mix singular and plural. In the final sentence, besides having one shot early become shots later, there is a deadening string of prepositional phrases beginning with through , without , before and to .

In the last sentence, very often would be better placed after would . As written, what it applies to is not clear.

It's easy to make mistakes using adverbs. Sentences must be read carefully* to avoid errors.

Specific comments, seventh paragraph

Everyone seemed to begin to watch what Mark was doing. The players on the court, the players standing on the sidelines and girls who were just there to see. It really was something to watch, even for people who watched a lot of basketball when they were watching TV. And with the love of basketball as strong as Mark, he watched a lot of basketball on TV.

The first sentence has people seeming to begin to do something. These words and forms of them should be used sparingly. This sentence would be give just as much information without those words, as well as without the obvious was doing :

        Everyone watched Mark.

The third sentence adds little to the previous one and could be omitted. It also pointlessly repeats watch in various forms.

The last sentence doesn't follow from what came before. It would be better to write " a love of basketball." The word Mark's should have an apostrophe because it's his love.

Specific comments, eighth paragraph

The ball was passed by John to Mark, Mark spun around, then Steve unexpectedly knocked the ball away, and he grabbed it just in time to pass it to him. The ball moving around the court quickly, a lot of confusion.

This paragraph doesn't follow from the previous one. The beginning of the first sentence uses passive construction* to no good end. The adverb unexpectedly takes away strength from knocked the ball away without adding meaning (of course it was unexpected). In the last part of the sentence, it's not clear who he and him are.

The final sentence is a fragment*.

Specific comments, ninth and last paragraph

In the next few minutes, they spent a lot of time practicing, shooting, how to pass well and catch passes well, playing both a lot defense and offense alternatively and anything else they could think of. It was both a good practice and exhilarating.

The first sentence uses non-parallel construction. In a series of any kind--a list of items, a sequence of actions or any other series--all of the elements of the series need to be expressed the same way. The first sentence below does not use parallel construction correctly, but the second does:

        I like playing the piano, listening to music and to go to concerts.

        I like playing the piano, listening to music and going to concerts.

The last sentence of the writing specimen has a similar problem. The first item (a good practice) is a thing, while the second (exhilarating) is a description. It could be recast as:

        The practice was both good and exhilarating.

Conclusion

Many people have an interesting story to tell. Books Unbound in the business of helping them tell that story and helping them get readers for that story. The story is paramount.

This article discusses the telling of the story. We make some observations that we believe will be helpful to storytellers. There is much of importance we don't discuss here, but we hope that reading and using this will be helpful. Storytelling takes skill, and when done well, it provides pleasure on its own account. We all know people who tell stories that objectively are of little interest, but who tell them well enough that their audiences laugh heartily or feel whatever the tellers communicate. That shows the value of telling a story well. Of course, what you really want is to write a good story and tell it well.

There is no substitute for writing, writing more, revising and revising more. There is nothing better than reading educated writers and seeing how they write either fiction or nonfiction.